As much as I would love to be silly and light hearted, there is just too much going on in my head right now. So if you'll allow one mellow post, I promise to be more fun the next round.
I have been having a hard time lately finding the good in people. A lot of people around me (it wouldn't be fair to say everyone) have shown themselves to be selfish, shallow people with little concern for others and it erks me to the core. It erks me because I try very hard to be a good person, to love people and do the right thing by them, but it always seems to backfire and I end up being punished for my good intentions. I guess that is why I am looking forward so much to leaving for the Peace Corps. I know (or at least I dearly hope) that I will be meeting people who have the desire to be useful, to be good and to care about other people before themselves. That's not to say there won't be hard times, or bumps in the jolly road, but at least I will have some restored faith in humanity (or, as I said, I dearly hope).
The past year has been one rough, hard time with trying to finish school, graduating and being discouraged by joblessness. Looking back I found that I was often waiting for something better to happen to me. The typical everyday mindset was something along the lines of "this sucks so much I would rather be doing anything else I cannot wait to get on to something better." And, eventually I was on to something better, but it didn't seem better at all. And now, face to face with the most exciting thing to ever happen in my life, (a state which doesn't exist without its own stresses and anxieties) has me thinking with the same old mindset. Some how though I came to a realization and that is: life doesn't just go away. Things come up, hard decisions must be made, people sometimes have to be let down, and that's just the way it is. It is not right to wish it away, and it is not effective. The only way to grow up is to learn how to cope with hardship and still find a way to be happy while doing so. So, my goal for the next two years and three months will be to take things for what they are, not what I want them to be. There is always room for improvement, but perfection doesn't exist, and remembering that will make me a more effective person and I think an overall more pleasant person to be around. The little things will not get me down anymore, mark my words!! (end annoying sermony-like self-improvement segment of this show)
With all that said, I feel sure I am ready to take on this challenge. I just read my "bridge to PST" paper and it has made me even more excited! There is so much still to do and I know I will forget at least one thing. When I first found out I was going to Tonga I was so careful to find out every little detail I could. I wanted to minimize as many issues as possible. But, that very quickly ended in me becoming way to crazy-obsessed and over anxious with wanting everything to go perfectly. What is the point in that? New outlook: go with the flow, don't ruin all the surprises and be excited about the unknown. I know this is the right way to do it, because if I knew exactly what to expect, then surely I would be thrown into a tizzy when something didn't go exactly as I had thought it would. (i sound like such a psycho ((and proud of it))!!)
A tad off topic but worth mentioning: My favorite book as of late has been Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love" and in the book she ends a relationship with the man she loves. Well, afterword she decides she needs to change, stop seeing herself through other people's eyes and she writes "operation self-esteem: day fucking one." This is exactly how I feeeeeeel tonight, mind you it is 1:53 in the morning and I have been played for a fool. But, sometimes I think people don't get to hear enough about how great they are, how beautiful. This leaves us (or me at least) second guessing ourselves, misplacing our attention, and depending on others for happiness when it is really ourselves we need to make peace with. Well tonight I will take solace by declaring that I don't need any damn person's affection to know my worth. It doesn't depend on whether or not I am wanted, or loved. It depends on how much I can serve and be of use to others. So, off I go..to increase my worth!
T-minus two weeks whaaaaaaaat?